Kaylee, age 4

Northampton, MA—Breaking new ground in graduation, Smith College, became the first institution of higher education to have a toddler deliver a rousing commencement speech after Christina Lagarde backed out. Though some students criticized Kaylee for her support of Baby Gap and her union-busting tactics against imaginary friends, the protests were muted amongst suggestions that the students might appear guilty of reverse ageism. In her words to the class of 2014, Kaylee urged the students to:

Take naps when you’re tired. Use a stool to get something that’s up high. Don’t be embarrassed by Velcro. Chocolate milk is a treat. And, oh my dad told me to say this one: limit your screen time.

With the video of Kaylee’s speech having gone viral on Youtube, Smith College is touting the speech as a success. “She’s just too cute,” said the parent of one graduate.

Anna Lee Whitson, class of 2014, said, “In a way it makes sense. I mean, so many people gave me, Oh, The Places You’ll Go! by Doctor Seuss, when I graduated high school, that like having a toddler give us a speech just works.”

Less impressed was Jack Edgemont, who’d been in talks with Smith College as a possible replacements for Lagarde. “I’ve climbed Mt. Everest. Solo. What has that kid done? Made a pillow fort?”

As students become more vocal regarding commencement speakers, toddlers could be the latest trend in higher education. Best demonstrated by Bill Cosby, not only do kids say the darndest thing, they also deliver the darndest speeches.

Kaylee concluded by modifying the work of Margaret Wise Brown in a stunning homage to literature as she whispered, “Goodnight parents. Goodnight air. Goodnight graduates everywhere.”



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